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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2003.05.29  03.31 ive been painting for an horu straight. in my own house. on my own time. its amazing. im doing this portrait of alan. and i think for the first itme there is some sort of style beginning to show. and its become more natural. its awesome. im so tired and i was hoping to finish this. but its a long process. i will get as much done after my algebra final tomorrow. i need different paint brushes. must remember that tomorrow before i leave.

	2003.05.29  01.29 today was absolutely awesome. i mean despite the bad things. i had a shit load of fun. now to put my clothes in the dryer, and then paint alan. i hope i can mix a good skinn tone. im really bad with skin tones. it actually loooks like him which is pretty nice. and madeline is home. and in the summer ill finish it. and then mount her on my wall cause shes fucking awesome. i just had a bunch of fun driving around with cody. tomorrow is my last day of real highschool. plans to celebrate the ending of real school. First. im going to hamilton pool with some new people. jack is cool. or you know an okay guy, i get along with him. he asked for my number when i first met him. and i said i was gay. cause i is. but sarah wants me to be his boyfriend but in our relationship have the understanding that im gay. and while im at it id have another girlfriend. this is not my plan but you know whatever. second. it feels like something goes in between. so this is something fun. oh yeah hanananannas. Third. drinking. theres a lot more i could say. im feeling a lot of thigns at once. its kind of crazy. alright painting

	2003.05.24  09.14 yep. i think that becuase im able to look at things differently, not pessimistically, that that is good. my dads basically best friend died yesterday. he was only 50, and he was with his young daughter at central market. and at his car he collapsed. i cant imagine being this old and that happenign to me, but i cant imagine being that young. i know my dad is prolly really up set. because i havent been driving my right arm is tanner. if you made a mistake taht effected others, and you couldnt continue doing some other things becuase you dont have enough mental energy to work through what you have done, but you havent picked up your own shit in a long time,it's better to start now than to ignore it. of course its also necessary to have some sort of hope. some sort of belief that yous good. man im hurting in so many place. and at first i cant remember why i hurt in so many places. but now i know. seriously i can barely walk. i think if its really ncie outside im going to go ride my bike somewhere. where to? i dont think ive slept long enough. i also may miss some shit. 3 day weekend. final final, final final, final final. done!its time to drink water, find a kitty, get over my hangover, then 8 minute abs. oh im working on it. i hate that drream where you have to punch someone but your punch goes so fucking slow and you never hit whoever it was. i also touch my self an ungodly amount in my sleep i really do. cause i wake up and im half asleep half awake but dreaming about whoa. i just realized what all my dreams couldve ment this is more important. i wonder if linda would go get coffee with me that would be great. that would also be pushing it. what i hate about therapy, or my therapy, is that i really like talking to her, but she has dozens of other patients. i wish i had a car right now with a full take of gas. i think all i want to do is drink myself stupid. or smoke. but whatever i think i shall jst go to sleep now. underappreciated continuing this could cause an upset

	2003.05.23  02.43 i like staying awake writing papers at the last possible moment. especially when its my final. i had a good evening. i hung out with shawna. and ended up at spiderhosue where i saw a bunch of people like always. it was good also cause i never get to have just katy shawna time. an hour after i originally started writing this post i am done with my paper. i thank alan for giving me things to write, and i thank myself for providign motivation i didnt know i had. and the energy to keep at it. now i will smoke a cigarette and sleep

	2003.05.22  00.05 im eating berries from the heavenly good i told ymseld id go to bed early tonight. i was going to. but here i am awake. i think ill do my art final. i think it would be i dont know nice if i was completely burnt out by the end of school. like whenever the last day is i shoudl just go home and sleep for weeks. i bet i coudl if i stopped taking my medicine. cause thats what happens if i forget to take it. well i think these nights will suck. no offense alan i wish i had one of my cds. but tahs okay i dont really care. i want to go to hamilton pool. i wonder if i could get dalton to go if i gave him gas money. or maybe ill jsut wait. yes waiting is better. i could be waiting a long itme. 2 reasons. 1 only matters. i mean at what point of tongiht did this happen. i understand the feeling though. cause maybe if i thought about what was going on when i got feelings like taht it coudlve worked out better but there was so many problems. its more than 10 times better now. and im happy. maybe not right now. i just hate this feeling. i wish i didnt have summer school for so long. i mean its only 6 weeks but they shouldnt split it up like they do. i dont know. im ready for this to be over. i would like to take 4 art classes next year but fuck that. i jsut add to it. thats a bad feeling. im going to go smoke a cigarette

	2003.05.19  22.01 i have this essay to write. im going to do really bad. its really long. i cant work on it tonight i jsut dont have any motivation. im not sure what to do. ill write as much as possible tonight and hten ill stay home wednesday to do the rest. i just really have to do this. otherwise im screwd. if i did fail economics cause this essay sucks i could take credit by exam and do really well. so atleast i have that. im very tempted not to do just cuase i know i could do that. and i bet its not hard at all. im so glad this year is almost done. i think my wisdom teef are starting to grow in. i slept all day afterschool. i needed it. i felt so bad all day today and yesterday. its cause i was starting to go through withdraws from forgeting to take my medicine. im just enver home to take it. so im hoping im getting a car soon. cody is supposedly getting a car. thatll be interesting. i think its time for more sleep. im really happy wiht madeline. its starting to look so much like her.

	2003.05.05  08.29 im in 0 hour. i hate this class. i hate this class so much plus my other classes that ill never be exempted. and i dont care. becuase there is only so much time left. and that is fine with me. so i want to drive to pittsburg just to see the tom tm club since they only stay in that area. thatlll never happen. its about time to leave thsi class that reminds me i have to go to jodi the college counsler. i wonder how nice today will be. things i want to do. go to art class only ride bik eot flightpath and write paint. never go to school again. now i will go

	2003.05.02  09.10 oh my god. i love irregular sleeping habits! theyre taking the truck. its confirmed. alright now to write that essay

	2003.05.02  01.44 woooooo i like this new found stay up late thing. now to work on napping in the ngiht. and actually waking up. that invloves nappng during the day too. jsut split it in half. hmm. this could work. but also i think id have to not have a curfew. i dont this weekend. im still working on my essay. im still on the first body paragraph. atleast 2 more to go. then my conclusion will be like 2 or 3 sentences long and then ill write a littel not to ms donovan saying i know how shitty this is. and i know a lot of what needs improving. im jsut happy with some of the sentences i wrote. theys all nice and pooty. unhealthy habits are so appealing to me right now. today i took a couple hits from a pipe. tahts okay. its been awhile. like 3 weeks. i mean everyonce in awhile i take hits. but a lot of the time as soon as i get a little high i realize why i dont realyl like it. i think in only certain circumstances can it be okay. i have lost all motivation towards school almost. i think the final paper that i write for this shit wont be as hard as this rough draft cause atleast ill have something there. that motivates me more than nothing. im in a pretty good mood now that kevin and sarah rode here. kevin jumped off his bike and launched himself on my car and i heard this loud fuckin nopise and it was them. we sat in neighbors grass making a lot of noice for ahwile. then had some good conversation about stuff. kevin would be a good study partner. he motivates me. im kind of upset and kind of mad about some things. i know eventually things will be good. and i have faith and hope and what not. i also have patience. i also wonder if being patient will pay off. ooo i am in the mood for miranda july. jsut to hear her say unbearable. and and. i wont move a muscle. projects. hana and cassie portrait other paintings birthday painting madeline spackle read more. long term movie projects im getting hana a big thing. a small something that goes with the big thing. and a painting. i need to start working on the painting. realyl paintings. i realyl need to take madeline home. and start working on the cassie and hana thing. cause i have 3 weeks left and really no time. i could also do madeline for final. that could work. i coudl do the hana and cassie thing later. id like to clean my room. and id like a design table to make me laugh slash to actually use. id also like an apartment with concrete floors. id actually have to use slippers. mmm mittens. i hope that even when im done with highschool and art i continue to persue art stuff. i need to clean my room so i have space to do all this. otherwise i wont do it. one present is do able the painting might be late.

	2003.05.01  19.31 EAU D'BEDROOM DANCING my parents are leaving tomorrow. im praying to god they dont take the car. if they take the car itll suck so much. so fucking much. i like the idea of getting really drunk in a prom dress. im nto going to prom. i was too lazy. it sucks anyways. i wonder if ill get to go to graduation that would be nice to find out. even though ms fuckin croom says i dont. she is wrong! cause im nto coming back in another year it will be too late for me to ever care. im about to write an essay i havent thought about at all except for the fact that i have to do it. atleast its the rough draft. ill do it half ass. just like all the other economics project. speaking of economics tomorrw is ms gaskins last day. ill think i will cry so im gonna make her a card. or give her my number even though she is sooooo fucking hideous. especiall yher body. what is with that body. i dont know. time to smoke a cigarette and get busy. its so clear and i know just what i want to do. hmmmm.

	2003.05.01  10.04 just wopke up. that is a good feeling. im never going to be able to sleep in during summer school. that sucks but i think accctually finishing school is so much better. ill neverdo anythign again. im glad i dont have to take the taks. im absollutely the dirtiest ive ever been. so now im going to shower.

	2003.04.29  14.51 today im in art. ive been to art class three times now. its good. i have a mustache and um a beard. and um. lets see. im having fun. the black people said eww whats wrogn with your face and im not talkin about your makeup. hah. so i have therapy with mom. and then i go to hanas. i havent been to 4 classes today. i also went out to breakfast with my dad. it was awkward for awhile. but then we talked about economics and then the economic structure of antique dealing and the consumers. simply amazing! i have to pee. i also have to finish what im doing. and see alan.

	2003.04.27  11.41 so this weekend was good. you know. friday i dont remember too long ago. let me think oh yeah i played pool for a while. and went back to hanas. went to some party. i went to eeyores left shortly after. today hana woke up and went to houston. so i slept in her bed alone in the house. it was nice. very nice. for today im going to study with alan. next weekend my parents might be leaving me here. which would be sooooo nice. i could handle it well too. my sister understands why i woudlnt be comign.

	2003.04.20  02.40 man i hate it. i dont know im very angry awith everyhting. and my teed hurt for some fucking reason i think everythign is shit. waht am i doing to go. cause this isnt really working with nothing. i mean woalkiing around my enighborhood is great and all but how mmuch of it can tyou take and my car i that s so fucking stupid i ve always hateed it,. it s a fuc,kign pice of shit. of course your breaks will skid and whatever caseu its wet cause that car is styupid maybe if i had a horn or maybe if i couldve swerced but no and stull its my fault cause i slammed in the back of some stpid car cause some fat ass in a suv wanted to go to jack in the crak. please just realise that tehere doesnt have to be a problem everywherel cause thats fucking dumb and if trust isnt wokrign theeeennnnnnnnnn fucking fuck this shit. cuase fuckin nothing i feel is really worth shit. while in my neighborhood i rapped and tdoau alan two is the best. im now going to masturbate and then pass out cuase thats all i haev left in me.

	2003.04.19  13.46 alan 2 is shwoering in my house!

	2003.04.16  22.44 ayay. i aint got shit to do. alot hast been going on, and im really haoppy. goodnight

	2003.04.14  15.02 i wish i could just finish school from my house. i went to 3 classes today but only 2 at the normal time. i felt like puking and i had one of those headaches i get. so now i have been studying for economics and writing an essay. and ive been enjoyinh myself crazy aenpugh. i did a little bit of spackle and now i think ill sleep and hope cody gets a ride to workl cayse i want to sleep. i nevre want to go to school eagain. i cant wait till this is atleast over. thank god thank god. its so close.

	2003.04.13  17.48 having a dance party with cody. hahah! um hanging out with psuedo ellie is nice. i like her a lot. she aint that conservative just not exposed to much. but open. and the sound guy is gay and that is very cute. the camera man though he's a dick. he's jsut not nice about anything. alright its time to brush my teeth, an then i will wash my hands. i changed my clothes. Music: james brown - i feel good

	2003.04.11  07.28 yeah today kinda feels like dooms day. i hungry.

	2003.04.09  23.05 things ive learned today abc family is lame. i didnt really learn anything else

	2003.04.08  19.59 i have so much fun at therapy everytime. its so much fun. i hate leaving. talking to linda is fun

	2003.04.08  07.08 i swear it smells like kb in my house in the morning. what the hell is that. im hungry. im also tired. i havent been getting anything done at all lately. i bett not let everything fuck up. that was a bad noise. it sounded like all the plates and dishes plates and dishes hah falling and breaking.

	2003.04.05  08.27 then of course the dryer breaks. no clean clothes. or no dry clothes. i was suppose to go to saturday school. but i aint. Music: ladytron - paco!

	2003.04.05  07.44 holy fucking hell im doing laundry im taking cody to the sats. im suppose to go to saturday school. im too tired. what i would like to do is go sleep in hana's bed. i would also like my clothes to be clean a lot faster. the only thing i like abotu doing laundry is all teh clean underwear afterwards. so far i have 4 or 5 shirts i wear. my moms agenda. 1. exercise 2. personal trainer 3. get her nails done. 4. prolyl go see my dad at hsi show. ive been clamy for a couple days. i must shower. ill shower later. i really dont want to get up. i think i will go to hanas. i need clean clothes first. i havent had clean clothes in so long. i need water. im not dehydrated. i just like it. yesterday in economics ms donovan let me get apple juice. as i was going to the vending machine. all hell broke loose. not rteally the fire alarm went off. mccallum wasnt really on fire though.

	2003.04.03  17.03 things to do this afternoon finish that damn essay. or not. im contemplating whether or not. i mean im going to make a good grade. and i dont care if i get like an 80 on this. becuase im still going to get a 90 somethign for the six weeks. so really whats the point. youre right katy. put it off until sunday. ill finish it while dalton is doing his community service and then we'll work on our dumb speach shit. alright study for economics quiz. i think i like monetary policy better. except id like to see more when the two work against eachotehr. ms donovan paired me up witht htat damn girl i hate. but that damn girl i hate knows a lot so she can also help me. ms donovan also knew that. which makes me feel stupid. i did my algebra two. what else. ooo i cant wait to bring home my art shit. ki also need an oil change. im really stressd out. im suppose to hang out withjon but he doesnt have a phone. alright im bored